Militant Atheists are trying to steal my chi.

I've had the feeling for a while that people were trying to steal things from me. Friends said it was just because I got sh!t-faced and lost stuff, but I have recently discovered the truth. Jesus came to me in a dream, and told me that hate-mongering heathens were indeed stealing things from me. If they could get enough of my personal possessions for a specific type of ritual, my Chi, life-force, soul; whatever you want to call it, would be theirs. When I woke, the sticky traces of Jesus's visitation were all over my blankets and stomache. I have been on my guard ever since then. I've been reading some of the "scientific" propaganda that they publish to fool the masses, and I think the soul stealing process has something to do with collapsing my quantum waveform into the 17th dimension. My next communiqué to the faithful will come soon. Slack out.